Did I get it right?

I'm a person that's hard on myself. I am painfully aware of my serious faults, and I am painfully aware of how much work it takes to remedy those things. I have had the privilege to follow along while some other women have faced the same challenges I have, and I have been amazed by their strength and faith. I have found myself wondering often if I've done good enough, if I've done it right. I decided to sit down tonight and read through some of my blog posts, and I have found myself comforted by my own words. I may have not traveled this road perfectly, but I have traveled in my own way, my own style, with my own voice, recording my own feelings. I wish I had the ability to have been stronger, but I feel like I did my best. And when I didn't do my best, I feel like the Lord understood why. I feel like, that while I have not been as soft spoken and valiant in the way that I've documented my life, I realize that some people may be drawn to that. And if not, they've passed me by, and that's ok. I've done my life, my way, and with the help of my God, I'll have the strength and courage to continue to grow a little more.

I still have my empty womb. I have done my very best to enjoy where I am at, because I know change is in store for my family. God has whispered that to my soul. I have had a hard time learning that change comes in the Lord's timing, and not mine. I have tried to listen harder, and to obey more quickly. I can't say that I've learned those lessons well or even speedily, but I'm doing my best.

As I laid next to Olivia during nap time this afternoon, my thoughts turned to my Heavenly Father, and I prayed, as best as I could to know WHAT to do. What do I do now, what is His timing?? As the tears slipped down my cheeks, and I felt my heart sorrowing as it has for the past couple years, I prayed for healing. The same healing I have been begging to find for months. And while I am not handed peace in the fullest form, I have learned that I am handed as much as I need to get me through. Enough to keep me afloat, but not enough to take the pain I feel away. For now, it's enough to get me by. For now, I am eagerly waiting for what the Lord has in store, whatever that may be.

I think of my Isaac, and the love and courage that he has filled my life with. I see him in the faces of my children, and I feel him in his memories that fill our home. I know he is busily serving his Maker, but I wish so much he had been mine to keep. Some days I reflect on my life, and I just cannot believe that I have managed to survive this. I may not have flourished, but I have survived.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. ~ Philippians 4:13


Love, Misty

Shhhhh. I moved.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I moved.

I just spent all morning moving everything over to my new blog. The location is secret, yet still public, and my hope is that you'll follow me there. Email me for the location of my new blog, it won't be listed under my profile.

Tag, you're it.

If you're interested, email me here: abnmln@gmail.com



Love, Misty

Analyze this.

I’m beginning a new chapter in my life. A new chapter that doesn’t include much outside my family. I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing myself, and why I’m not like another person, and I finally have decided it really doesn’t matter. I don’t HAVE to be like anyone else. I’ve never kept a lot of friends. I’m not terribly close with my biological family. I don’t get out much. The very few friends I’ve kept are enough for me. I’m not social in church settings. I don’t have the desire to “know” a lot of people casually. I love being at home. I love spending the majority of my time with my kids and husband. I love decorating and making my home a sanctuary. I love my animals. I love being alone, without the distractions of a lot of different people. I am who I am because of what I’ve lived. I don’t have to expect that other people would value or appreciate that about me. Or even expect that someone would even try to understand why I am the way I am, let alone embrace that. I’m at a point in my life where I just need to be ok with where I’m at. I’ve done my best. The rest is between me, my family, and the Lord.

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries. And the need for privacy balanced with the need for support in my life. I’m interested in making new relationships grow with people that are a good match for me - - that list of prospects is really small. I find myself thinking about why I’m involved with one person or another - - when those people are people I REALLY don’t want to share my feeling s with. I’m trying to create boundaries concerning what happens in my life here on out. If I’m able to get pregnant again, I don’t plan on sharing that with a lot of people. I don’t know how much I care share here, because my blog address was shared with people I don’t know well at church. And people talk. I don’t want people spreading my business around church when I’m not ready or willing to share, and trust me, it’s happened before. Just GOING to church is hard enough, I hate wondering who knows more about me than I wished….. Going private is too much work. Censoring what I write about is even more work than that. Apparently maybe I need to just find more to blog about – outside of dead babies and lost pregnancies.

I’ll be anxious to see if we’ve had some success here in a couple weeks. I have a good feeling about it. I’ve prayed, and then prayed again that I can carry a healthy baby to term. I think about what that would mean to me, and mean for my family. It’s overwhelming. We’re just so ready for something new, and something more. I feel like I’ve paid my dues. And those dues have come at a very high price. ……..
I’ll be checking back in before too long……

Love, Misty

Not so calm, cool, and collected.

I kind of go to this crazy place when I'm coming up on a month of trying to get pregnant. I felt good about foregoing Clomid for another month, but when I was notified this evening that my doctor had called it in anyway - - I decided I HAD to get it. The excitement of this being a month I could get pregnant again was immediately followed by the feeling of stress. What happens if the Metformin wasn't enough?? What happens if the Metformin doesn't help me produce mature eggs?? That would be a wasted effort. What happens if I don't ovulate, and have to go back to the wretched hospital to get blood drawn, before the doctor would induce another period?? What if, what if, what if?? I was getting annoyed with the kids (it'd been one of THOSE high stress, boss is on my tail, kids fighting for hours, kind of days), and starting to feel stressed. My headaches are back every day now. I'm sticking with what I know works. And what works is Clomid. Period. And I don't feel badly about getting it, and I'll start taking it tonight. The thought of having to wait one-more-month seems like needless torture. Why stress myself by trying something out I am not sure works?? So. We're at this exact point again. The same point where I got pregnant with Isaac and found out he would die. The same point when I got pregnant after his death,and miscarried in January. The same point when I lost yet another pregnancy in May. I've got to be getting to the point where I can get pregnant, stay pregnant, and bring home another squirming bundle for our family to love. That dream has come true before. It can again. My body can do this. I know it. I just KNOW it.

xo M.



PS: I've gotten some pretty stupid-ass comments on my blog. The last one has me still scratching my head.

WHY do women think you cannot be obsessed with getting pregnant again IN ADDITION to being madly in love with your kids?? WHY do some women think that because I desire for another child, I don't appreciate the children I already have??

For those that know me well, would laugh at those accusations. Let me tell you what having a dead kid does to you. It makes you protect your kids more than you probably should. It makes you baby them more, spoil them a little rotten, let them get away with a few extra things. It makes you more tolerant. It makes you love them more, and appreciate the moments more.

Your regular Mom might complain about being tired, over-worked, and that her patience is out. I still feel the same way, but after every SINGLE thought that I have about my kids - whether it's loving or from an exhausted mind - every thought is followed by: "Father in heaven - - I LOVE these kids, I am SO happy to have them". So if you're mistaken - - - and think I don't have enough attention to spare my children that I already have AND focus on getting pregnant at the time - - you're DEAD wrong. I got this. Now go tell someone else how to live their lives, I've got mine covered.

I've thought about writing several blog posts over the last couple weeks. I had them all written out in my head. And just didn't have the energy to put them on the computer.

I started my period on Saturday. Another full cycle. I ovulated on my own. This is excellent progress. It looks like I may not need Clomid. The Metformin, which I take to aide my fertility, appears to be enough. I hope anyway. Women on Clomid typically take that medication on day 5 through 9 of their cycle. Which would mean starting THIS Wednesday, and I found myself frantically thinking - - should I, shouldn't I, what if the Metformin isn't enough?? I figured I better hit my knees in search of help to make a decision, and I have decided to let it be for this month. We'll allow for conception, but with out taking the additional medication. I've given up Diet Coke and sugar. I'm on my (4 freaking) pills of folic acid a day to prevent another neural tube defect, and I'm eating up my prenatal vitamin every night before bed. I feel prepared. But also resigned to the fact that I'm merely along for the ride. In the end, God decides. God took Isaac home with him, and God wrapped up my last two pregnancies right after they'd just begun. Pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean a baby, now does it?? All I have is a little hope, and the stubbornness to keep after one of my greatest dreams.

Summer has been incredibly busy. Work has taken a lot of my time. Being a mother has taken even more time than that. I love it. I love being a mother and watching (even if it hurts) my children growing. I spend parts of the day reflecting on my pressing goal to eat them up every day. I know, perhaps, their may not be more babies for me. I know that I have been immensely fortunate to have been entrusted with three living children, and I know there is so much of their childhood's left to enjoy. The thought "make today count" runs through my mind constantly. Right now is all that I can count on. Right now is all that I know I have.

I have been so fortunate to have my best friend, also be my neighbor for the last 6.5 years. I have been fortunate to know the true meaning of friendship in her. I have been thankful to her that she's been able to weather the emotions and madness I've at times brought to the table, linked with my childhood. I have been thankful she's been able to accept my "I messed up, I'm sorry" over the years. I'm glad I've been able to accept hers to me in return. I remember someone counseling me before, when I was struggling to understand adult relationships as a twenty year old, that any person is lucky to find one or two TRUE friends in their life time. That has been very true for me. I've been fair enough friends with many people over the years, but life happens. We've gone our separate ways over long distance, or disagreements, or life changes. Over kids, over scheduling conflicts, or disinterest.

I come with a lot of baggage. I have a lot of shit on my plate. I can't say, after having a dead child, that I am less crazy, because I am MORE crazy. Some times I push people away. Some times I fear being rejected again. I don't trust easily. But what I do DO well is LOVE. I am strait forward and honest about my feelings, and I have an ability to be loyal and honest with where I'm at. People walk away though. I know it's been a common occurrence, when people have lost and are grieving hard, friends walk away. People can't deal with your shit. People can't deal with the depth of loss and the sorrow that follows. It makes me feel like a failure. When people walk away that I love, I feel like I'm that little kid again, when my parents didn't even love me enough to stick around. I feel worthless. And I feel like I must be REALLY bad at human relationships. I am who I am because of the life I have lived. I am who I am because of the abuse and losses I have been dealt. I find most people just don't want to invest in someone that's maybe not got all her emotional shit together. And THAT would be why I really LOVE to be alone. THAT would be why I love to stay home, with my kids, and my husband, and keep everyone else at bay. I don't have to have the pressure on me to be that perfect someone that another won't walk away from. I. Have. Worth. And I am worth it. I am worth someone eles's friendship and patience.

My best friend Lisa is opening her home to foster children. This woman. Let me tell you. She is a HELL of a woman. She's had some hard knocks in life. She's been husband-less and childless for her entire life. She's longed for that for years, tolerated that I had what she wanted, and we have loved each other in despite of our faults. I have been privileged to watch her walk this new journey, and pleased to see her joyous over opening her home to another. We've talked a lot about the training she is receiving. It's been in depth and heartbreaking. There are so many children that are abused and suffering. It's been really hard for me to re-visit those feelings that I had (and still do) over my childhood. I remember how it felt to grieve over parents who left me. I remember the distress of being molested and abused. I still easily access the distress and heartache over being raised in a loveless, abusive home. It's rough. You wonder how kids ever make it to adulthood partially ok. The amount of pain a child can feel is indescribable. I know. Because I felt it. And I live my life today, trying to overcome, the wrongs done to me that I had no control over. Children are innocent. The damage done to children changes who they are, it changes their souls. It's heartbreaking. And that doesn't even begin to describe it.......

I better get off of the computer. The children are wondering if I'm starting a novel - generally my posts aren't this long.

On with life, shall we??

To exercise faith.

I have always hated Mondays. Monday means back to work after an easy going weekend. Back to work after playing summer days away and not worrying about schedules and house work.

I've found myself in some sort of funk since my period came a week or so ago. Initially I felt excitement, because my body seems to be ironing out it's kinks quickly, but that excitement was followed quickly by sadness. Sadness over many things, actually. Pregnancy used to mean a carefree time that meant a baby in the end. I know better now. Pregnancy can mean the death of a newborn, and pregnancy can mean miscarriages. More than one. I found it easier to accept my first miscarriage after my baby's death, because having a miscarriage is a normal complication. After the second miscarriage, I have found myself thinking about pregnancy again, even if I want it badly, is very distressing. Who's to say I won't have a 3rd miscarriage??

I've consulted with my doctor. He's a good, knowledgeable man. He's been in the profession for over 25 years. He's delivered 3 of my 4 children. He's also seen this struggle come to many women. Unexplainable miscarriages following a string of live births. There's no rhyme or reason. It just happens. While miscarriage may "just happen", I've prayed for inspiration to know if I should be doing things differently. There are hormone levels that need to increase after a pregnancy has begun, if they don't, the pregnancy ends, as the women eventually starts to bleed. I'll be adding some hormone supplements in immediately following another pregnancy. I'm hoping these supplements will help my body with what it should be doing on it's own.

I guess I find myself more realistically thinking about where I'm at, and realizing another baby may not come easily to my family, or may not come at all. I've spent a lot of time praying to know how to move forward. I've been praying to easily recognize my limits, and to know what to share and what to keep quiet.

I find myself coming back to a specific verse found in Matthew, chapter 7, verse 6.

"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you."

Motherhood is a sacred thing to me. Not because I am religious, but because it's something I have sought after since I was a young child. I have always know the worth of birthing and raising children. I have always wanted and adored children, and felt great worth is creating a family that is my own. I cannot describe that desire so that someone understands. I cannot explain to someone how traumatic it is to live life again, after your baby has died. I cannot explain answer to prayer, and I cannot explain or defend my position on wanting another child, even though it may be a fight to find that dream again. I'm beginning to realize that I don't have to answer or explain to anyone else. I don't have to share or defend what is holy to me, so that another may trample my most sacred dreams. This is a journey unique to me. One in which I feel confident to make the right choices, even if someone else does not understand.

I don't have the answers yet. I don't know what lies ahead. What I do know is this. After huge trials, blessings always come. Those blessings may now always be what we imagined, but they're coming. They're coming for me, for Andrew, and for my children. After huge loss, there is always huge gain.

Elder Richard G. Scott said: “To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that come from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.”

More another time...

Love, Misty

Encouraged....

Today is the beginning of something NEW - - - my period came. And it came 2 weeks directly after the dates I marked on my calendar that I suspected I ovulated after my miscarriage. {sigh of relief}

And now we wait another month, and then maybe.... maybe dare to dream again???


xo M.