Saturday, June 18, 2011

Getting it together.

I'm exhausted today. I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would start getting ready for this baby. I've sunk my heels in for most of this pregnancy, being drug along for the ride until I've felt secure enough that this dream would come true. Trouble is - I don't quite believe it yet. I day dream about the baby coming, and try to picture it in my head, but that fear still looms. It's my quiet companion every moment of every day.

So. I made a list anyway. There are several items on my list. General baby prep, spring cleaning, things to buy, cleaning the car, installing the car seat - - all of those kinds of things. In my head, spring cleaning and I have a complicated relationship. I don't have a messy house by any means, many people can vouch for that, but it's the nitty gritty cleaning I have rebelled against. I was too sick to spring clean before Isaac came, and he was dieing anyway. Afterwards I was too heart broken to take on the task, grieving all that was lost, and after suffering miscarriage after miscarriage, and now here we are. I made a deal with myself, if I got to the point I would soon deliver a baby - - I'm now nearly 34 weeks - - I promised myself I would spring clean and prepare just like I would with any other baby. I'm forcing myself to keep that promise, but it's really hard. I find myself choking up just writing about it. I'm cleaning out the dust, items we don't need, scrubbing stains off the walls, and the little messes here and there, and it feels like I am doing that same thing with my emotions. Some how I have to get to the point that I will allow myself to move forward with the new baby, with the renewed belief that things can be ok. I sat down in the bathroom and started pulling things off of the shelf, and I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes. I had a box of nursing pads - two years old, that I still had to wear after my dead baby. There they sat, covered in a layer of dust, but I hadn't ever been able to throw those out yet. I find myself having flash backs to those moments soon after Isaac died, sitting in my bathroom, caring for my wounds.... my milk still came in, I still had a 10 inch cut from yet another c section, I still was bleeding like I had a new baby to tend. But I didn't. I had to bury my baby. I combined the left over nursing pads with the new shiny box I just bought and tucked them back on the shelf. A new box. A new start. I have had the same spritz bottle from the hospital from Isaac for 2 years now. That's another silly thing I've held on to. I took care of my wounds with that same bottle after Issac died, and I took care of my wounds with each of the three miscarriages after him. That bottle I decided to keep. Like just in case the hospital does not give me a new one. This bottle is trusty, it's worked through some hard times, so why now?? Some emotional habits die hard, I guess. And then onto the diapers...... I carefully packed the diaper bag today, and set diapers and wipes out in convenient places where I would be tending to the baby after we come home. I held that little diaper in my hands, and ran my fingers across them. Isaac was so tiny. I changed his diaper only one time. His sweet little body was so perfect - - even his little rear. I remembered Andrew and I laughing over each of our children's bottoms. There is something about baby's butts that are so perfect and cute.... I wish I had been able to change hundreds of diapers for him. I cringed as I put the diapers out where I needed them.... I just couldn't bear the thought of not being able to use the diapers again. This time has to be different, right??

Anyways, back to work, I guess. I've been having a lot of days where I'm barfy all day long, with no energy. I've got to make the best of the days I feel good, and take it easy on the days I don't. I think working from home full time, plus being a stay at home mother at the same time has really worn me out. Not to mention to hormones and emotions.....

So. Did you ever feel the same way, preparing for a new baby after losing one?


xoxo Misty