Tuesday, May 17, 2011

What the....

I am nearly 30 weeks pregnant, and every day I try to imagine what it will be like to have a new baby at home, and I just can't wrap my mind around it. Every single day I've just been trying to get through. Get through the day, the worry, the fear, the wonder of it all. How does it go so right, after going so wrong? I try to calm the children's fears about death, I try to join in their excitement, I try to enjoy where I'm at, and what my body is accomplishing every day. I'm finding solace at home now. Church has become hard again. I'm happy to keep to myself and not think about the abundance of pregnant women that live around me. I look at them while they are looking forward to their babies with a certainty that theirs will live. How do you relate to a woman like that, when you know that is not the truth. Some say "have faith". Faith to me is believing in the plan God has placed into motion. Faith to me is believing what ever is meant to come to pass, will. And what ever that is, somehow we'll be ok. Faith to me is not counting on getting what I want, that has not been the case so many times over in my life. I have faith that I can get through. And no matter what, this child I am growing is glorious and amazing and I cannot wait to meet him, hold him, clutch him to me, and thank my lucky stars that God chose me to be his mother. I try to imagine it, but somehow I know it will be something more than I could ever hope for or think of. (HUGE *sigh*)

Now on to different related drama. I had a weird experience come my way. A family member sent out a contact list that included my biological mother's phone number. I'm getting too old to end up in the fetal position when I receive news of her, but it's my brain's way of protecting me. I talk about her once in a great while, but really - - this is one of my life long hurts that I have not found a way to heal yet. She left me. She left my siblings. My father left us. He gave us away for a woman. They CHOSE, and that choice did not include me. My heart is so tender in that way. I keep those emotions shut up in a tiny little box. I like to think I have control over when I open and close it, but this family member blew the lid off. For now, I've stuffed that issue back in, currently growing the baby is all I can work on....

And to top it off, one of my siblings took this information, among other private conversations (I HUGELY suspect), to an Aunt I have been estranged from since before Isaac's birth and death. My Aunt, I felt like, was at least warming to the idea of communicating with me, has now BLOCKED my phone numbers again. The more I think about it, the more I feel secure in my decision to keep my biological family at arm's length. There is no trust, no relationship that is solid, outside of the relationship I have built with my grandparents. I feel spent, and I feel done. Plain old DONE. I have enough shit on my plate to deal with all the baggage that continues to accompany nearly all family relationships I have. Some things our Maker is just going to have to work out, because 30 years hasn't been long enough for me to conquer that challenge yet. Oh well, I guess, life keeps moving on......

Anyways, friends - - all my love, for now.

Until next time,

xoxo Misty