After months of going back and forth between my more public blog and more private blog, I've decided I'm ready to end up back here, to share a little more openly again.
I've gone back and forth many times, trying to decide when I was ready to share, because I know (FULLY) that there are some people that read here, that I really don't like. Those are people who I have ended relationships with, for various reasons, and I have never liked the idea of them still reading about my life. But, you know how the internet is - - people getting up in your business, that I wouldn't even share a tissue with, but such is life. I'll find a way to get over it. You know who you are, anyway.
You may have guessed by now what I was going to share, so to avoid chickening out, I'll just type it: I'm PREGNANT! I'll be 18 weeks along on Monday, and I have been elated, and frightened, and worried, every single day since I found out in November. Just today, I was thinking about my 20 week appointment on March 14th, and I started to think about what I would do if they didn't find a heartbeat. I mean. I got one last time, but that excitement has since worn out, so what happens if something bad happens now??? It's a fine dance of being so excited at the idea of a newborn babe, with the slap of terror that I might not get my dream come true. The death of a newborn and miscarriages after.... they kind of ruin the idea of pregnancy bliss, ya know? Kind of puts a huge mote in between the ignorantly blissful and the horrifyingly bereaved. Make sense?
So, here's the thing. If you know me, and I have not spoken to you about being pregnant, I won't, not until it's on my terms. I'll deny deny deny until I'm brave enough to chit chat about it. So just pretend this still is a secret, and that way we can avoid awkward conversations, lets say, if I run into you at church........ fair warning, right??
And, just like my kids do - - pray my baby has all it's parts, and is born living. The kind of healthy that lets you bring the baby home, not the kind of dead that makes you bury them into the ground. So far, so good, though - - I'm trying to focus on that.